


Gloves

by sakalinte00



Series: Thirty-Prompt: Forest Fire [5]
Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: F/F, Nissa has issues too, This is Getting Out of Hand, but maybe we need weirdo fics for this ship too, i defo do, i really like slow burn okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-03-29 11:17:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13926045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakalinte00/pseuds/sakalinte00
Summary: Everything is changing way too fast, way too much and Nissa is getting just as stressed as Chandra. It was time to take off the gloves. Yuuus.





	Gloves

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt word is “gloves” (duh, like all of the titles of these fics are the prompt words). I went about different aspects of the word, like I took it literally (e.g. Gideon doesn’t wear gloves) and then I went beyond that to the thought of “hands” and then to “touch”. BUT my first thought, when I encountered the prompt “gloves” is Disney’s Frozen, ergo “conceal, don’t feel”. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. :)

**** Nissa Revane sat on her bed. She had never truly bothered being  _ inside  _ of it, not with all the nightmares that kept her up at night. She stared out her window, her eyes moving back and forth between the world outside and back to the world right outside of her bedroom door. 

Outside of the house, over the horizon and the endless rooftops, the sun was about to rise. There were a few people out on the streets below - bakers, market vendors, the drunks that had woken up from their drunken naps. 

She leaned her staff against the wall and she pushed the curtains aside, wanting to take a look at the sunrise of Ravnica, the people that basked in her first rays of sunlight and the cloaked man fast approaching the manor. 

Jace Beleren, the Guildpact and their most gracious and benevolent host, had been out the entire night. He must not have gotten a wink of sleep considering he had forgotten to  _ magic  _ himself out of the public’s sight. 

Jace and his frivolous diversions, whatever they may be or with  _ whoever  _ they may be, were of no concern to the elf. They did no harm to anybody but Jace himself. But it wasn’t as if she didn’t care about the boy. She  **_had_ ** warned him numerous times in the past, but all she had gotten was an unkind judgment of her faith in the rest of the Gatewatch. 

No, Nissa Revane had other things to worry about and she was certain that these  _ other things  _ had tossed and turned all night, staring up at the ceiling and had been close to setting her sheets on fire or dousing them in sweat. 

Chandra had not been present at the breakfast table. It was just Nissa, Jace and Gideon, minding their own businesses and chewing their own food. There was no competition of who could eat the fastest or who could eat the most. It was just a meal shared between three people who understood that eating was for nourishment. 

It was a quiet meal. 

And after all this time, the quiet sort of irked Nissa. 

Chandra. 

Nissa had spent the entire week worrying about the girl. 

It had been innocent enough - sleepless nights and tiring herself out around the manor. Until it had gotten to the point that Chandra would retreat into her room, ignore the others or run around the city at odd hours of the day and the night. 

No doubt, Chandra Nalaar was an adept pyromancer, with the sunrise in her eyes and a hundred planes’ starlight glimmering in her hair - she was a force to be reckoned with. The girl did manage to fend off the titans of Zendikar by herself, with Nissa’s help. Still, it was quite a feat and Chandra had temporarily lost all feeling from her legs after that. 

But Nissa couldn’t stop thinking of street urchins, concealed weapons and horrible intentions. Chandra was much tougher than she looked and the girl looked like she could take down an army of Eldrazi horrors and  _ she did.  _ What good was Nissa’s help then? Her desire to run to the girl’s side, stand by her and protect her? 

Was it out of gratitude? That was how she and Chandra had always been since their first meeting - always helping each other, protecting each other or battling demons, zombie hordes, horrors, religious fanatics, sandwurms and so many more. 

At first it was innocent enough, sleepless nights and tiring herself out around the manor. Until it had gotten to the point that Chandra would retreat into her room, ignore the others or run around the city at night. 

They had been through enough, had teetered on the edge of their lives and in the emptiness of the Blind Eternities. 

Nissa  **knew** that something was troubling Chandra and a troubled Chandra Nalaar was  **never** something to be taken lightly. She had learned that upon meeting the girl, but that very thought had etched itself into her mind back in Kaladesh, in Ghirapur. 

 

One afternoon, Nissa sat in “her” garden. Jace had called it hers and everyone had just agreed that that was Nissa’s garden in the Guildpact’s manor. It was a home inside a home. 

Nissa couldn’t bring herself to meditate. She felt that the plane had had enough of listening to her worries and her cowardice and her despair. No, Nissa waited, ears straining to catch the soft sighs and hums overpowered by the clanking of metal, the smell of smoke and firewood that would follow soon after and a flicker of flames, bobbing about and twisting to flash the warmest smile Nissa had ever seen, had never thought possible, had never seen in a while. 

Nissa waited alone. 

The elf had made it a point to wait around the dining area instead, right after the sun had set and before Lavinia would come calling for the entire household to eat. She had hoped that Chandra would fall to the beck and call of her hunger and show up with a hearty appetite. 

Nissa tried not to smile when the pyromancer laid eyes on her in the hallway. It wasn’t at all too difficult considering the frown across Chandra’s lips as she shuffled past Nissa. There was barely a chance to recover from the shock when she heard the clatter of the girl’s armor, Chandra rushing towards the front door to disappear into the night. 

Nissa had spent dinner alone with Gideon. 

Apparently, Jace had other matters to attend to. Nissa didn’t bother trying to find out who. Whether Jace was meeting with Ravnican guild leaders or having a secret rendezvous with a two-hundred-year-old-woman was not something Nissa could bring herself to care about at the moment. 

She just wanted Chandra to come back safely. 

Her food had gone cold. 

 

It was a very long night. Nissa had spent a majority of it in her garden, explaining her worries to Ravnica and asking the plane to tell her where Chandra might be. The plane had told Nissa that Chandra was far from Jace’s manor, but she was safe, aimlessly walking around main streets and dashing through always from time to time, whispering and muttering to herself. 

Nissa pulled herself out of Ravnica’s grasp then and opened her eyes to the moonlit grass and trees and shrubs and bushes in front of her. She stared up at the sky, waiting for the clouds to dissipate, so that Nissa would have an unobscured view of the starlight that glimmered beyond her reach. There were more stars out tonight, like rivers of light that flowed, fleeting fast and distant. 

Like Chandra. 

Nissa ran her fingers through the blades of grass at her knees as she pushed herself up. She clutched her staff as she made her way to the tree closest to the building. She smiled as she extended her hand and waited for the branch to move to her touch, like a greeting from an old friend. 

She hauled herself up and lodged a foot on another branch. It had been a while since she had done this, but she had never once forgotten the thrill of holding tight and the feeling of the world passing by quickly as the branches grew to bring her where she wanted to be. 

She remembered Ashaya then as she carefully set both her feet on the tiled roof, far, far from the ground below. She smiled and caressed the tree branch, thanking it and  _ hearing  _ the promise of answering her call if the elf deemed it was time to return to the ground. 

Nissa sat at the edge of the room, overlooking the square right across from Jace’s front door. There were a few people chatting about, speaking of business, of relationships, of family, of friends and possibly fortunes and plots. Mundane things. Superficial things. Important things. 

Jealousy. Pride. Covetous. Scheming. All things inherently human. 

So Nissa pried her eyes away from the life below and wondered at the sparkles of light and life, the balls of flames twinkling in the glow of the moonlight. 

  
  
  


Thoughts of Ashaya had brought back the memories of the night she had left home for the first time. She wanted to believe that the night sky looked like this - peaceful and beautiful, but also as sad as she had been for her leaving everything behind; her mother, her village; her people. She had always been alone and tonight was like any other nights since before her life had changed. 

Nissa Revane smiled to herself then felt the pang of loss in her veins. 

No, Nissa had always had Zendikar by her side, had always felt the plane’s touch and emotions. And then she had Mazik. That silly boy. That poor, sweet boy. Mazik had followed her in the dead of night, had promised that she needn’t face whatever it was alone. Nissa believed him for a while. 

She missed Ashaya. She missed Mazik. 

Nissa pushed the guilt and regret away. The sky wasn’t as kind as she wished them to be. Maybe being away from Zendikar for a while wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe, when the time was right, Nissa would return to face the consequences of her failures. 

Now… Nissa just stared over the horizon, over the shadows and the silhouettes that stretched beyond what her eyes could see. This plane was just as vast as Zendikar and once again, Nissa felt so small, so alone, so disconnected. 

“Where are you?” she whispered into the darkness, hoping for a burst of flames to shoot from the ground, a signal that Chandra could hear her. 

Ravnica was silent throughout the entire night. Nissa had lost track of time, enraptured in the heartaches that gnawed deep inside of her and the horrors that still knocked on her mind. It was only when the stars had melted into the sky, spreading their fires to light the dawn that Nissa knew Chandra had not returned. 

The elf got to her feet and searched the streets below, hoping for a mop of copper hair to weave around the morning crowd and stumble into the front doors. 

She went back to where she had come, calling to the tree to bring her back to the ground. She bit her lip and had pressed too tightly around the branch, that she felt the rough wood press through the leather of her gloves and dig through her palms. 

She ignored the pain as she jumped the foot or two left to the ground, ignoring the burning pain in her palms and her body’s demand for sleep. She sped towards the main hall, making her way around corridors and empty halls, her boots echoing across the carpeted floors until -

“Jace is in a meeting.” 

Nissa turned to see Lavinia standing beside the door to Jace’s study, her face stern in concentration and dark circles beneath her eyes. 

“I didn’t hear him come in.” Nissa whispered. 

“This house has many secrets.” Lavinia sighed and motioned for Nissa to move along, “Just like the Guildpact… and everyone, apparently.” 

Nissa ignored Lavinia’s words, she didn’t think twice. She moved to the staircases at the end of the hall, taking two steps at a time to reach the top. Gideon’s training room was empty. No traces of the man having been there, no dents across the equipment, no handfuls of sand beneath the punching bags. 

No traces of charred objects in sight. 

She stifled a yawn as she made her exit towards the hall, the sun shining through the windows, the glare blinding her. This was getting a little out of hand. What use was she to  **anybody** if she too were to stay up all night, worrying about a girl who refused to speak with her? 

Jace would never leave Chandra in danger. He would know where she was and if the girl  **was** in danger, then Jace would let everyone know. Gideon would be the first out the door, but Nissa would be quicker. But these days, it would seem that Gideon had a better chance of getting Chandra alone. 

Nissa definitely needed to sleep. 

She needed to crawl into her bed, close her eyes for an hour or two to regain the energy she seemed to have expended in her wait for Chandra. 

Everything was going to be okay, despite the burning in her stomach. 

 

When Nissa had been awakened by a sharp knock on her door, she jumped out of bed and reached for her staff, hanging haphazardly by the foot of her bed. She had kept her weapon close, but it was always put away properly. She must have been much more exhausted than she thought. She took a peek outside of her window and squinted at the blinding sunlight over the city. 

Nissa had pulled the door open to find Lavinia waiting for her with an exasperated look that quickly turned into concern upon seeing the exhaustion etched all over Nissa’s face. Lavinia was simply there to announce that it was lunch time, well, it had been lunch time and Nissa had missed it. Nissa was not hungry, but she was still grateful for Lavinia’s concern. 

Before the woman could return to her other, no doubt, more important duties, Nissa held a hand up and whispered, “Has Chandra returned?” 

Lavinia’s expression was blank, her eyes darting between Nissa’s own green ones and the wall until she turned her back completely, “Monk Nalaar is speaking with the Guildpact at this very moment. She had…  _ accidentally  _ set a door on fire when she had returned an hour ago.” 

Nissa blinked and waited for something more to go on. Chandra would never set a door on fire. Well, she maybe  _ could,  _ but she  **_wouldn’t._ ** Unless she had a reason to. 

“Thank you.” Nissa muttered as she watched Lavinia march out of her sight. 

Nissa blinked the sleep and confusion away. Chandra  **had** returned while she had slept and she had been… agitated? She noted that Lavinia had mentioned the word ‘ _ accidentally’,  _ like it was a poisonous word. True, since Lavinia was one to believe that nothing was accidental given enough practice, training and concentration. 

But setting a door on fire? Nissa had only been asleep for an hour or two. 

She would have to find out for herself. Nissa straightened her cloak as she descended the steps to get to Jace’s office. Even from beyond the heavy doors, Nissa could hear Chandra’s voice, angry and pleading. Jace was silent and Nissa was worried that he was telepathically upsetting the girl. He tended to do that when he was in an argument with her. 

“No, Jace.” Chandra’s muffled voice cried, “I am not - No. There really isn’t much I can do about this. I’m sorry about your stupid door. No, I’m  - What?” 

“Not  **_that_ ** again!” Jace shouted as the sound of a heavy wooden object dragged across the floor, “Chandra, that’s enough. You can’t keep running from this.” 

“I can and I will!” 

Defiant. Proud. Chandra. 

Nissa stood right outside of the door, straining to hear more of their conversation, more of Chandra’s voice. It was unwise. It was unfair. But lately Nissa had forgone propriety and succumbed to her curiosity, to the want to hear her voice because Nissa couldn’t remember the last time she and Chandra had talked. 

Nissa shook her head and moved away from the door. This was not right. She couldn’t bear to intrude upon Chandra. She stepped back and gawked at the carvings on the door, just in time for Chandra to push them open and almost crash into her. 

Nissa stood firm, her hands gripped Chandra’s shoulders as the girl almost fell into her; an immovable object to Chandra’s unstoppable force. 

There was a beat of silence and Nissa ignored the thundering sounds echoing in her ears, fearing that the sound might come from her chest and that, maybe, Chandra could hear it too. 

“Oh, sorry about that.” Chandra mumbled, righting herself with Nissa’s help and fidgeting about, ready to bolt one instant, “Gotta look where I’m going. So, this was great. Good talk. Bye.” 

Nissa was not the immovable object as she wanted to be. 

Chandra managed to push the elf’s hands away so that she could sidestep to wherever crevice of Ravnica she would hole herself up in. 

But Chandra - though a force to be wary of - was not unstoppable. Nissa stretched her arm out right in front of the girl and Chandra stopped inches before her throat caught against Nissa’s forearm. 

“Have you slept at all?” Nissa ducked to meet Chandra’s eyes, but the girl had hidden herself away behind a fiery curtain of hair.

“I was just about to head to bed.” Chandra refused to look at Nissa, staring instead at whatever minute detail she could find in the curtains behind Nissa’s head. 

Chandra looked decades older than she had been to Nissa a few days ago. It would be unkind to mention it, but there was anticipation swimming in the back of Nissa’s throat. Chandra would probably argue that Liliana was centuries old yet she looked pretty. 

But maybe some other time. When the girl didn’t look as if she were itching to be away from her.  

Nissa reached a hand out to Chandra, the very one that ached from her grip around the tree branch, and brushed a strand of hair from the girl’s face. She had hoped the gesture would draw the girl’s attention to her, but Chandra flinched from her touch and rubbed the patch of her skin that Nissa had unknowingly touched. 

“I appreciate the concern, Nissa.” Chandra’s eyes widened and her lips quivered, “Really. Just… I’m handling it…” 

“Chandra, I--” 

“I’m  **_handling_ ** it.” Chandra reiterated with a sharp turn of her head, the air suddenly grew warm “Some things you gotta deal with yourself, you know? Because - cause - I know it’s good to have some help, but… leave me alone... You’re only making it worse.” 

Immovable object, Nissa wasn’t. 

Chandra ducked under Nissa’s arm, her boots clanking along the carpeted floors, the sounds bouncing around the empty hallway. Nissa listened closely. She had almost missed the sniffles and the stifled sobs in between the sounds of armor against armor in Chandra’s departure. 

 

The garden seemed distorted as she sat upon the grass. There were a million feelings stirring in her heart and running through her head, but no words had come to her tongue. Ravnica would rest her ears from Nissa’s torment tonight. For tonight, they were all her own. 

Once again, Nissa had thought of Zendikar. Not of the promise it held upon her return, but the realities of why her home felt no more like a home at all. Her mother. Her people. Mazik. Ashaya. Their voices swirled in her memories - or, she believed it was their voices. 

When was the last time she had even thought of them before last night? 

How long has it been since the day of her awakening - of her  _ expulsion _ ? 

The nightmares never really stopped. Emrakul was gone -  _ physically, yes  _ \- but Nissa thought of her much more frequently than she had thought of her own mother. That felt like a sin. And Nissa had never felt more alone like this since she took the first steps away from her mother’s reach, her embrace, her voice. 

Nothing had appeased that loneliness then. Not the return to Zendikar after she escaped to Lorwyn. Not even during the battle against the Eldrazi. Nothing could fill the void inside her heart where her fallen loves had once been. Nissa had no room to invite danger to anyone else, not like she did with Mazik, not like Ashaya, not like it had been with her mother and the Joragas of Bala Ged. 

Maybe this was better. Alone. 

This must be what Chandra feels, then. 

Chandra wore her heart on her sleeve and in her smile and in her laughter and in the way the sunlight danced in her hair. It was amusing. It was endearing. It was majestic. And it was out of control. Chandra had tried to contain - all her hopes, her feelings, her desires, her sadness - and she had reached out to Nissa for help. Nissa was more than happy to help. 

But Chandra was also stubborn and easily hurt. She ran away instead and had almost burned an entire city down, but eventually, things turned out for the best. 

But now? There was no telling what Chandra could do. Nissa was afraid of that. Back in Kaladesh, the pyromancer had allowed Nissa to stand by her, to pull her back when she had gotten ahead of herself. 

_ You’re only making it worse.  _

The sky was getting dark. 

How long had Nissa been sitting out here? 

It wasn’t long until Lavinia had called her to dinner. Nissa forced herself from her spot and made her way to the dining area. Jace was already seated at the head of the table, not eating, but twirling his fork around his food as he spoke with Liliana Vess. 

Gideon sat tall, oblivious or maybe observing. Gideon Jura was an anomaly himself, a man who could cause serious damage with a flick of his wrist and a very touchy one. If Chandra hadn’t been around at all, maybe Nissa and Gideon would have been the closest  _ acquaintances. _ He understood Nissa better than the others, but it was his understanding of her that kept him away, distancing himself so as not to make her feel uncomfortable. 

Nissa’s breath caught in her throat the moment she laid eyes on the slumping figure of Chandra in her usual seat. The armor was gone, replaced by a high neck shirt in gradients the color of the ocean. Her vambraces and gauntlets replaced by bare arms and her mother’s sari draped around her neck where her goggles hung loosely. 

There were still dark circles under Chandra’s eyes, but she looked a little bit more rested than she had been earlier that afternoon. The girl bristled at the sound of Nissa approaching the table, but otherwise, she kept her eyes on her untouched plate. 

Liliana cleared her throat, no doubt waiting to spew out saccharine jabs at both Nissa and Chandra’s expense. But Nissa looked anyway and flustered under the necromancer’s mischievous gaze, her eyes darting between Nissa’s own and Chandra’s tired form. 

“You two look…” Liliana chuckled, “Well, you have honestly looked  _ so  _ much better.” 

Chandra grumbled as she swallowed a spoonful of mashed potatoes, rolling her eyes behind the red hair that covered her face. Nissa squared her jaw, her eyes trained on the oddness of the food in front of her. Mashed potatoes. What a concept. 

“What? No condescension? No questioning where I get my ideas from?” Liliana laughed, “My, my, ladies, eager to return to bed, are we?” 

“That’s enough, Liliana.” Jace whispered, his hand twitched, but remained where it was. 

Liliana ignored him and Nissa wished she could ignore the necromancer too, “Whose bed were you in last night?” 

The two men coughed into their fists.

Nissa glared at the necromancer, her hand tight around the fork and knife she had been holding. She had never trusted Liliana Vess. The necromancer had always been teasing, smug and mean, but she had never been this boldly rude - not when everyone was evidently not in the mood to deal with her antics. 

The electric tension in the air fell away when Chandra’s cutlery clattered over the table. The girl abruptly stood from her chair and marched right out of the dining area, muttering her thanks to Jace as she passed. 

“I was hoping you’d be used to my affections, by now.” Liliana shrugged. 

“You’re not helping.” Jace chastised her and suddenly his mouth closed and Liliana glared at him. 

“Really uncalled for.” Gideon murmured. 

Nissa made it a point to steer clear from Chandra when she left the dinner table. 

The meal was decent, but her stomach and her throat were not willing to be courteous. Jace and Liliana would remain in the dining hall, arguing and flirting with each other - if their arguments weren’t already flirtations. Nissa knew. But of course, they would wait until Gideon left and Gideon never lingered about when he was finished with his meal. He knew too. 

Nissa dragged her feet to her bedroom, making sure to resound where she was to alert anyone who would care to listen. All her years training as a Joraga scout had told her that this was the quickest way to get mauled by vampires in the forest, but there were no vampires here, no horrors, no baloths or monsters. 

There were just people with their own geists and Nissa felt like the monster. It was best to warn the innocents of her approach. 

She lay on top of her bed, peering through the night sky and the river of light from the slit of her curtain. Nissa really ought to get some sleep tonight, but her worries nibbled on her senses like poisoned rats. 

It must have been sometime around midnight when Nissa crept out of her bedroom. She stood with her hand on her doorknob, ears straining to catch the sounds from Chandra’s room. The girl usually snored lightly, tossing and turning or mumbling about scents and fire in her sleep. 

The night wasn’t entirely silent and Chandra Nalaar was definitely still in her room - awake and sighing. 

Nissa silently passed by her door, heading towards the kitchen where she struggled with a cook fire and pots and pans and boiling water. Within the confines of the Guildpact’s home, Nissa felt like a wildling. But eventually she had managed to make tea as best as she could from her memory. 

Hot cup in hand, Nissa made her way back to the hallway outside her bedroom in the darkness. She had lived in this house long enough to know that there were only two untidy rooms in the building: Jace’s study and Chandra’s bedroom. 

Not that she had ever been in Chandra’s bedroom. 

No, it was according to Liliana. 

Who had been in Chandra’s bedroom. 

To talk. 

The heat from the cup was burning through Nissa’s glove and onto the palm of her hand. With her free hand, Nissa knocked against Chandra’s door as gently as she possibly could.

“Go away.” Chandra said weakly. 

“I made you tea.” Nissa offered, clearing her throat.

Nissa was prepared to leave. She was prepared to leave her peace offering outside of Chandra’s door. She was even prepared to take it back to the kitchen and drink it for herself, maybe. This tea might not even taste like the same one Chandra had been fond of. But did  _ that  _ even matter? It wasn’t as if Chandra would let her inside at all. 

But Nissa waited and her heart gave when the door opened a crack. 

Nissa tried to push herself inside and pushing thoughts of Liliana out of her head, but Chandra held the door firmly in place, hiding on the other side. The girl’s hand shot out of the door, palm upward, reaching out for the aforementioned tea. “I kinda don’t want to see you.” 

Nissa nodded like a fool, as if Chandra would see her. She carefully placed the cup in Chandra’s hand with a useless warning that it was hot. Chandra made no comment of that as the contents of the cup spilled a little from the way she pulled it back inside her bedroom. 

The door closed again and Nissa believed that that was the end of it. That was the only conversation she would have with Chandra tonight and it was better than watching the girl storm away into the night. At least the two of them would get some sleep. She hoped.

She heard a thud against the door and Chandra had exhaled, “I’m sorry.” 

Nissa would never admit that she had missed her voice, the kindness in it, the warmth and the care that was present when they would talk. 

“Would you like me to sit with you?” Nissa whispered to the door. 

“I feel sick.” Chandra admitted and Nissa wasn’t sure if she was speaking to the same pyromancer, ready to battle with powerful foes or a child who had gotten lost in the middle of a busy market, bawling and wailing until her parents would find her.  

“You’ve been restless.” with aching feet, Nissa sat down right in front of Chandra’s door, staring at the wood and pretending it was Chandra. 

There was quiet and then there was the soft sound of tea being slurped. Nissa wondered how she had gotten here, to this moment, sitting outside a girl’s bedroom, frowning at the door and waiting for…  _ something.  _

“I have a lot on my mind.” Chandra whispered. 

Nissa picked at her nails and weighed her options. She had never been very good at communicating with anybody. Chandra had been the only one patient enough to even bother listening, to have wanted to know how she was feeling. 

_ You’re only making it worse.  _

Nissa was the problem. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” Nissa offered, willing for the disappointment weighing heavily in her heart to disappear. Only for a little while. 

Silence. Tea slurping. A soft thud against the wood. 

“I don’t even know what to say.” Chandra admitted and Nissa imagined a weak smile forming on the girl’s lips as she stared into the distance. 

Nissa sat like that for a moment, hands folded in her lap and staring at the door. She didn’t hear Chandra stirring inside and she had no intention of leaving until Chandra would dismiss her. And even then, she would still listen close until she heard the poor girl sleeping. 

Nissa was getting in too deep, too fast, too dangerously. Alone. 

“It’s complicated.” Chandra whispered. 

Then the silence wore on. Chandra wasn’t truly mad at her, was she? They were talking. They just weren’t looking at each other. 

Nissa pulled her gloves off and massaged her hands. They were sore from the tree branch, from the heat of the tea. They were cold. “Have I done something to anger you?” 

Then there it was. 

It was different. 

The Joragas had never been silent about their disdain for Nissa and they had never been subtle about their desire for her to leave. Nissa had always known when she was not welcome and Nissa had always known the reason  _ why.  _

This was different. 

But here it was. 

Had it always been here? 

A week ago, she and Chandra were okay. She believed they were okay. 

Chandra had brought her a book from Jace’s study. There was a gleam in the girl’s eyes and a certain air of defiance in her smile. Nissa was meditating then, she was deep in conversation with Ravnica, but she didn’t mind the interruption. How could she? It was Chandra. 

The girl had been reading about politics and Ravnican law - something Nissa decided she would want to read about sometime in the future - if she had the time. Chandra had been kind enough to read aloud for the two of them until, eventually, the girl had gotten bored and asked Nissa to  _ bring her to the river  _ again. 

“No.” Chandra finally breathed out and Nissa heard another thump against the door where Chandra’s head would be, “I’m mad at myself.” 

“Would you care to tell me?” 

“Nah.” Chandra sighed and Nissa heard the amusement in the girl’s shaking voice, “It’s not that interesting. I don’t get it myself. It’s all a jumble of blahs and what-nots.” 

“It might help to talk about it.” Nissa scooted closer to the door, debating if she was moving too fast, afraid to scare the girl away again, “Whatever it is… I’d like to help you.”

“You’ve helped me plenty already.” Chandra’s voice cracked.

_ It’s never enough.  _

“It’s…” Chandra continued, her voice so small and Nissa wondered if she was speaking to Chandra or a mouse, “It’s not you. You could never do anything wrong to me, N– Nissa. Just… There’s a lot of things that I don’t understand and there are things that I want to do, but I know I shouldn’t.” 

“Does this have anything to do with you speaking with Jace earlier?” Nissa smiled. 

Chandra laughed, “Gids saw the burn mark on Jace’s study’s door. That tattletale turned me in.” 

“Were you upset with Jace?” Nissa continued. Chandra would answer in her own pace. 

“No.” Chandra laughed, “I was… I was talking to the door. Stupid, right?” 

Nissa smiled. She felt foolish. But she smiled. 

“I’m talking to a door, too.” Nissa said in jest, the same way Chandra would, “I’m only pretending to talk to you.” 

Chandra laughed and it sounded like the Chandra she knew, the Chandra who didn’t have the weight of the world on her shoulders, not the girl who had wanted to burn an entire city down, not the girl who had lost her family, not the girl who had been terrified of even being alive. 

“I hate feelings.” Chandra suddenly sounded so sad and Nissa couldn’t help but think of that afternoon in Ghirapur, that night in Amonkhet, “I don’t – I  **_hate_ ** them.” 

“Feelings are a reminder that you are alive.” Nissa said softly. 

“ _ My  _ feelings have been nothing but trouble.” Chandra sobbed and Nissa wished she could see if the girl was truly crying, “ **_I’ve_ ** been nothing but trouble. I’m a living flame, Nissa. Jace said so. I can’t just feel things because I might burn this stupid mansion down.” 

“But we talked about this.” Nissa pressed a hand against the door, “Your feelings aren’t bad, Chandra. You just need to control them. You’ve been doing so well.” 

Silence. 

“Yeah?” Chandra cheered up a bit. 

“I wouldn’t want you to not feel anything.” Nissa admitted, “Your feelings make you who you are, Chandra.”

“But what if I don’t like who I am because of my feelings?” Chandra sobbed and Nissa heard another thud on the door, right against the palm of her hand, “What if my feelings make me a terrible person and they always have, Nissa.  **Stop lying to me.** ”

“I’m not lying to you.” Nissa whispered. 

The silence was growing long and Nissa could feel the strike of midnight. Gideon was snoring in his bed, in his bedroom on the opposite side of the hall. The rumbling stopped, replaced by grumbles and quick coughs. Nissa heard the shuffle of his sheets and after a second or two, his breath had grown even and three minutes have gone by when the snoring resumed. 

Was she truly the best person to have this conversation with Chandra? 

She remembered the conversation the girl and Gideon had on the airship before _she_ interrupted. They had known each other longer, had been through quite an ordeal – judging from Gideon’s behavior towards her – and… Gideon had been doing a pretty good job talking to Chandra then and finally, Chandra had asked him to hold her.

Nissa had walked in and interrupted them. 

Nissa was the waking nightmare. 

The Joraga elders had been right about her then and they were right about her now. 

Nissa Revane did not belong here. Even if she wanted to. 

“I’m sorry.” Chandra said from beyond the door and Nissa could feel her soul imploding in on itself, “I didn’t mean to take this all out on you.” 

“It’s okay, Chandra.” Nissa whispered. 

“I’ve done it again, haven’t I?” Chandra whispered back. 

Nissa forced herself to laugh, “It would seem that we can’t help but hurt the other sometimes.” 

The bitter truth stung. Nissa could try with all of her might, could pretend that she belonged here, that she was welcome here, but the truth was, she brought about pain and destruction. Chandra had asked her to leave her alone and in her selfishness, forced herself here. 

If Gideon were in her place, Chandra would feel better. She would be smiling and laughing and asking to be held, not have a door between the two of them.

“I’m sorry.” Chandra whispered again and Nissa had the audacity to wish that the girl would open her door, had the gall to even think about asking if Chandra could hold  _ her.  _

“Please get some rest, Chandra.” Nissa got up from the floor, dusted herself and waited, “I… I wish there was more that I could do to help.” 

_ I’ll talk to Gideon in the morning.  _

Nissa pressed her hand against the door for the last time, felt the wood beneath her fingers and suddenly felt homesick.


End file.
